If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.
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Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.
What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?
*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*
Accidentally said goodbye to the voice at the drive thru order window and they answered “nah I’ll see you in a sec” no chill
Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
[first phone call]
Watson: hello
Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?
Bought coffee flavoured ice cream hoping the kids would hate it and I could have it all but NOPE! Joke’s on me!
Curse you,
gloriously divine Häagen-Dazs in literally any flavour.
Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.
ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload
When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.
There used to be many different names for the childhood game of knocking on doors and running away. But these days, it’s simply referred to as ‘being an Amazon driver’.
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet
Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size
Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.
My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.
My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.
Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot
[to son before going in house] remember its opposite day
wife: how was go karting?
son: dad didnt take off his helmet and throw it at anyone
[day 1]
hello, world
[day 2]
bit less wobbly today
[day 7]
making other deer friends. getting funny looks tho
[day 26]
turns out i’m a hippo
*plugs my phone in to charge when it’s at 80%*
*lets the low battery warning on my fire alarm beep for 6 months*
Stealing pillows is not as easy as I thought…
“STOP FRISKING ME
I’M JUST FLUFFY BONED!”
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer
oh you hate me? name all of my flaws
Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.