Pro Tip:
If you leave an assortment of tissues, cold medicine, and a big bag of cough drops visible on your desk, coworkers will avoid you!
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can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way
He works with his crew: Woody Flores, John C. Ling, Raisa Roofe, and their boss, Bill DeHaus.
Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.
Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.
“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
Boss: this project is moving along at a snail’s pace!!
*silence*
Todd the snail: This is bullshit
*spends 3hrs storming out of meeting*
I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.
I like my coffee like I like my women.
Not banging my friends.
excuse me
Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils
How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
Alanis Morissette should write a chemistry book titled Isn’t It Ionic?
Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster
Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]
i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines
If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
Age is somewhat irrelevant as “seen some shit” years will age you faster than anything else.
What do you hear?
5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
*slowly backs away from you
*down the stairs
*out the door
*along the street
*through the airport
*onto to a plane
*into another country
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
“Can I get a umm…”
-every person ever at the drive thru
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
Flight Attendant: “Here is the extra blanket you asked for.”
Me: “Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy’s mouth?”
“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist
I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂
Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.
Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?