During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.
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Having your stuff stolen is the heist form of flattery
Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.
Murphy does not need a real egg to feel accomplished!!He’s quite content with his rock, and VERY protective of it! After his spring hormones have run their course, he will get bored and move on to other activities. Poor rock.
What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?
1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent
[ alone in a dark cemetery ]
me: marco
[on a date with a caribou as a favor to my sister]
me: so…did you like the movie?
caribou: *knocks over candy display & tramples 3 kids*
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!
Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?
Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!
ME: [explaining to a class of students] The real reason sharks lose teeth so often is because they have a very bad memory
ZOOKEEPER: [into walkie-talkie] She’s back
me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]
clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.
me: what’s halloween.
GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!
HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first
ME: You’re not really my type though
Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
Hey waiters-I don’t ever ‘save room for dessert’, I just stuff it in there and pray to God I don’t have an accident.
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
Adoption agency: so did you have any specific ideas of who you want to adopt? Age? Gender?
Dave Seville: do you have three anthropomorphic chipmunks?
I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.
Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…
I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.
I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.
This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.
Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.Sincerely,
Santa Claus.
Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs
Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.
Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.