I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.
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The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.
Husband: *trying to thread a needle with far too thick string
Me: That’s not gonna fit, it’s way too big.
H: You’ve said that before, but I have a 7 year old who proves otherwise.
Me: *giggles
7: You guys are being weird again.
According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.
I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.
I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..
Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
Nature’s first bud, spring is in bloom
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter
Thinking about the time a guy gave me a literal book of questions that he had answered about himself as a gift, and then didn’t ask me a single one.
We need to go back to the days when every town only had one single, bumbling, sheriff who was constantly falling asleep while leaning back in a chair and forgetting that he’d left the town’s only jail cell unlocked
The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
*Microsoft Teams when you don’t move your mouse for 12 seconds* THIS GUY’S AWAY EVERYONE. EVERYONE, THIS GUY’S AWAY. WHAT’S HE UP TO? ITS NOT LUNCHTIME SO WHY’S HE AWAY? SOMETHING IMPORTANT? NOT FOR ME TO SPECULATE. JUST FLAGGING.
For all the people who doubted me:
You were right
i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am i gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi
My son had an idea for the “Mom Dash App” where I would deliver food to his room and I told him that I’d have to get a 20% tip, so he’s still getting his own food.
If you took a billionaire’s money away, they would just earn it back again. Cream rises to the top.
I’m so confident about this, I think we should prove it by taking all the billionaires’ money away.
If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹
[wedding day of the girl that got away]
any reason why these two shouldn’t be married, speak now or forev[sound of a dirt bike approaching]
a friend was telling me about a guy she’s breaking up with and at one point she said “he does these weird eye and ear exercises” and at the end i was like “i’m sorry you’re going thru this” waited the appropriate 20 seconds and said “can you teach me the eye and ear exercises”
There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us