my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
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Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.
I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…
ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA
#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay
No chill.
I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.
It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.
You win again, life.
If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
[crime scene]
•detective flips open pocket watch•
Hmmm…precisely what I thought
“What’s that sir”
•closes watch•
It’s lunch time
I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.
*Strong man rips a phone book in half
Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?
ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White t-shirt: lol same.
[On couch, notices it’s 6pm]
Luckily I don’t have to pick up the kids from the Christmas party until 8.
*Notices it’s February*
OH SHIT
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
Gingerbread man: i’m just not cut out for this
Therapist: actually you absolutely are
BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary’s 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.
My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label
WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY
“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”
interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
me: yes
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please
Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.
Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?
Swallow: *Blushes*
any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously
Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.
*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself round youHer(flirting): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.