Overheard someone telling someone else about their twins birthday coming up and the one asked how old they’d be, I shit you not she said “7 and 9”
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windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
Genie: what is your first wish
Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please
G: I’m a genie not a witch
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
The only jealous bone I’ve ever had in my body is yours.
Me as a kid: when I’m an adult I’m gonna stay up all night and eat whatever I want
Me as an adult: If I don’t finish this glass of water and get to bed by 9 I will die
My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.
5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.
“Why am I so thirsty?”
*Flashback to me eating half a ham*
“Oh, right”
Doesn’t count, officer, you forgot to read me my amanda rights!
“Your what?”
You know, my… [mumbles] banana rights.
ME: so what do you do for a living
HER: I work for a moving company
ME: where is it today?
“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind
You can’t outrun your problems…
WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?
Me: I brought you some bird seed.
Rad Pigeon: Coo’
Crush: what u up to
Me: about to take a shower and listen to music
Crush: nice, what kind
Me: *nervously* one with water
[My 8yo looking for something]
OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.
Him: I got that dog in me
Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?
My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.
vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed
[first day as a detective]
ME: omg nothing but his skeleton is left!
OTHER DETECTIVE: this is a halloween store. the dead guy’s over there
How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”
If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.
If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.
One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.