My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.
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i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
[at the pet store]
Me: I’d like a baby lizard please
[later at home]
Me: isn’t he cute?
Wife [heavily pregnant]: I said a baby monitor
#merica
*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*
*calls to renew prescription*
Oh, your boyfriend’s learning spanish in isolation? That’s cute.
I’ve taught myself to throw a garden rake with astounding accuracy. But you made your choice.
I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
You fools! Whether or not
Die Hard is a Christmas movie doesn’t really matter. The tradition of arguing over it is what counts. 🎄🎅🏻🌃
#Homeschooling Day 5:
Hung out in the teacher’s lounge until lunch. Snacks were awesome.
Now singing karaoke on the school announcement system.
We got this.
What’s going on? Why does the internet keep showing me videos of people chopping wood? Did I check a box for wood chopping somewhere?
*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”
Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.
Today I learned two things:
1. Build-A-Bear Workshop only lets you stuff fake animals
2. Mall security guards get to use real handcuffs
ME: Hey they’re playing our song.
HER: This isn’t our song.
ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.
Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. He’s my best friend.
[12 minutes later]
Me: I have eaten my best friend.
Please don’t exorcise the demon possessing me if it’s really good at things like small engine repair or has a secret recipe for a perfect pie crust.
To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …
My computer has stopped communicating with my printer and I’m going to ask the printer to admit whatever she did and apologize so we can all move forward as a team.
Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube
People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are
Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep
Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!
Hostage 1: No!
Hostage 2: Please! No!
Me: So…who gets to be the front?
If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?
Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.
The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
if the bag is matte the chips are healthy
My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit