“It’s the hap, happiest seeason of—” yeah go tell it on the mountain, Denise, I’m gift wrapping a basketball over here
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[Deathbed]
Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo
Frodo: yes Gandalf?
Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say
Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?
Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
me: Should I pack condoms?
wife*laughs*
me*driving*
wife*still laughing*
me*checks into the hotel*
wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*
a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off
A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!
The First 48 is on from now until 4am. If anyone needs me I’ll be on my couch solving homicides and eating schnacks.
(Don’t need me)
FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.
[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]
Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT
Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*
Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
Becoming a parent changes your whole life.
One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.
If two creepy eels slither up to you and promise to solve all your problems and make your dreams come true, be skeptical. That’s all I’m saying.
It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.
wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.
Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon
Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon
“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife
Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.
[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get
Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.
gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”
I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.
Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help
To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.
yeah not falling for this one
I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.
Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.