“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.
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Husband: What’s with all the barrels of oil in the garage?
Me: THEY WERE ON CLEARANCE, OKAY.
*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*
My 6yo fell over today because he was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street and I didn’t even see how he fell because I was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street
If you are in a relationship and one of you has the better credit score. That is why they call it a significant other
(Sign-if-I-can’t )
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
Fun tip:
Go to carnivals, scatter nuts and bolts around rides to cut down on wait times.
*thumbs up*
Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor
“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
genie: you have three wishes
me: make firemen ugly
genie: you got it
me: instead of sliding down a pole make them climb out of a well
genie: ok
me: take the big ladder off their truck
genie: dude what’s your problem
wife: go see if the baby sleeping
*walks into baby’s room*
baby: corporations exploit our
insecurities for profitme: no babe she woke af
Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.
January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.
So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”
I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.
I propose we rename our seasons:
• Blizzard
• Flood
• Oven
• Kinda Nice For A Bit
I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie
When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
Fashion designers: What do you want?
Me: something that hides my belly fat, shows off my curves and something even an 80 year old would find comfortable
Fashion designers: we don’t do magic
We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*
I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.
Don’t believe what others say about you, they know nothing. For example, in 4th grade my teacher said I was going to grow up and be successful and she was wrong on both accounts
It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…
yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away
realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history
Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?
Amazon: It’s 15% off.
Me: Well, in that case…