Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
You Might Also Like
[Ghost describing stalker to sketch artist]
“He was a yellow circle with a demonic mouth.”
*holds up drawing of Pac-Man*
*sobs* THAT’S HIM!
massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it
my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food my kids spilled*
ant: oh wait
Dear Santa,
I’m only asking for 1 thing this year; get rid of words like adorbs and obvi before we all start using them. That would be totes amazing.
Oh, SONOFA-
My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.
Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary
Mom: But…how?
Cop: Maybe get a cab?
[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it
WIFE: You said you were going to put the dog down
ME: *in tears* I TRIED BUT HE HAD SOME REALLY DEVASTATING COMEBACKS
It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.
My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.
What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.
RT if you could go either way.
me: are there really aliens at area 51
pentagon official: that’s confidential
me: then how’d i hear about it
Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
“Your guy is late.”
“It’s only been five minutes, chill.”
“Something doesn’t feel right.”
“Everything’s fine, Dave.”
“You sure this is the spot?”
“Yes.”
“And you know this guy is cool?”
“Yes, just relax.”
“Don’t give him the money until-”
“Until I see the kibble, yes I know.”
If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?
I’m one of those people you see on Christmas Eve running around doing their last minute present shopping at the petrol station. Luckily my family really love petrol.
IN CASE OF FIRE BREAK GLASS
*breaks glass*
*a glazed honey ham pops out*
“Nice nice”
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.
wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”
Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no
I am a person who wants to do a lot of things trapped in the body of a person who wants to sleep a lot.
Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?
Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers
DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”
*Groans*
*Sobs*
*sighs*
*a solitary gunshot*
Jesus: My moms a virgin.
Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.
Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.
Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?