[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”
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putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
Bike for sale
Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.
“Your dinner is good, but my taste buds can’t appreciate it” my son said, so I guess he’ll have a great career in politics
The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
I’m so broke identity thieves sent a fruit basket with a note.
“Sorry about the ID theft. Please tell your creditors to stop calling us.”
what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs
Do you smoke after sex?
Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”
#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots
Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.
what my late-night hot pocket sees
Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.
Age 25: I need cute shoes for this event.
Age 45: I need cute shoes for this event that I can also wear to work and walk several miles in, don’t make me look old or like I’m trying too hard, won’t hurt my little toe or lower back, will last a minimum of 10 years & are on sale.
If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think “oh that girl’s not looking at ME she’s looking at EVERYTHING”
Trump’s gonna be sooo mad when he finds out that China realized building a Great Wall didn’t keep foreigners out 400 years before he did.
Me: it’s not illegal
Cop, staring at my trunk filled with creamy peanut butter: It’s just… SO. MUCH.
Me: but it’s not illegal
Cop: no, no it’s not
Some of us matured in our 30’s and naturally stopped committing crime as the risk was not deemed worth the reward
Some of us just developed bad knees
Husband: *singing pop song*
Tween: Mom, do something.
Me: *starts dancing*
21st century kid on Santa’s lap-“Yo santa, some more insta followers would be real dope for Christmas. Thanks bruh bruh”
Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.
{bedazzling my new tee shirt}
DO NOT RESUSCITATE
HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.
Trump: “I’m going to make sure we let in less immigrants.”
Pence: “Fewer!”
Trump: “Shhh, don’t call me that yet.”
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
I suggested we say please and thank you to Alexa so our kids can hear us and it reinforces being nice to strangers and my wife loved it. my real reason is when AI becomes our sentient overlord it’ll remember we were always kind to it and let us go live in the woods by ourselves.
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*