After the loss of his beloved childhood pet Mr. Wiggles, Javier decided to dedicate his life to helping others avoid that kind of heartbreak.
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What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!
Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.
Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down
Me *reads the news out loud*
Spider *depressed* holy shit
I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.
Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.
I said something about March 31st and my husband said, “Honey, there aren’t 31 days in March.”
Friends, with the most-bro-is-always-right smirk, he pulled his phone out to fact check my ass and then said, “Ha Ha Just Kidding! You know I was kidding right? It was a joke.”
AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.
I’m the guy who paints the murals of Venice and other Italian cities on the wall of every pizzeria in the tristate area and I know grapes aren’t that big man I just love grapes ok
My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
A large, angry man accosted me in the street earlier — demanding my money…
Fortunately, I’ve watched a lot of Scooby Doo — and, so, adopted the manner of a dictatorial French barber. And, whilst the man grudgingly seated himself for an impromptu trim, I made my escape.
Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?
Me: Never ask about my art
[millipede preschool]
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…
as a kid: i have to save up for this toy
as an adult: i have to save up for this rent
I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
Nature documentarian (weeping): I know it’s against our non-interference policy, but we have to intervene and put this poor creature out of its misery. This is just cruel.
Me (holding 3rd bowl of cereal): What are you people doing in my apartment?
Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
something america actually gets right is our commitment to air conditioning and ice cubes in drinks. like yeah healthcare would be nice but my god, room temperature water is an abomination
Angel: how will humans start out?
God: small and helpless
Angel: how will they end up?
God: big and helpless
Angel: in between?
God: totally clueless
Angel: what is your deal man?
I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.
Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.
I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut
dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.
I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.