What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
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-Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated.
-Well whoever did this must be pretty….crafty.
-Go to hell sir.
I can’t see my boyfriend during this lockdown and I’m really unhappy about it!
My husband says he doesn’t care. Rude!
Me: Donuts can cure a brain tumor.
Friend: But you don’t have a brain tumor…
Me: [ taking a bite of a donut ]
…EXACTLY.
Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??
You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”
The Sun
The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie
They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣
If you don’t like the idea of wiping someone’s ass in the middle of eating a delicious meal, you probably shouldn’t become a parent.
For April Fool’s Day, Pizza Hut Taiwan has rolled out a “flavorless” pizza, which is just a giant hole with nothing inside
My son was invited over 2 different friend’s houses for a sleepover and he picked the friend that has a whole drawer in the fridge dedicated to just cheese and I’m wondering how to get invited over for a sleepover
When I match a very good looking person on dating apps I send them a message saying “Sorry I swiped right by accident.” And immediately unmatch them. They then have this burning desire to stalk my socials and chase me for validation.
My attending asked me if I had ADHD but I heard PhD… and i shouted out “no i have a bachelor of science” 😅
4th year is going well.
I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile
I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.
Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…
You’re telling me I’m paying nyc rent prices just to be on the same tectonic plate as Philly and Boston? I’m feeling sick
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.
Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
Labreador
Slave: I know a way to escape
Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to
Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.