Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)
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[Carpool]
Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car
Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station
Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem
Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
Why don’t we ever talk about how there were aquariums EVERYWHERE in the ’80s. You couldn’t buy socks in a department store without seeing at least 40 tropical fish.
Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.
Ghostbusters (1984): A large, jovial marshmallow sailor is burned alive amid the crossfire btwn humans and ethereal beings.
Lionel Richie: 🎶hello is it me you’re looking for?
caller: actually yes I’d like to speak to you about your car’s extended warranty
Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .
[checking into a hotel]
Front desk employee: Thank you ma’am, we’ll make up a room for you right away
Me: aren’t… aren’t there real rooms here
[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?
Me: You bought me a ski jacket
Her: Skiing is a sport!
migraine |my-grain|
noun
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field
Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.
My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.
You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.
FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.
I’m not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.
Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
One a scale of 1-10 how much do you care what other people think of you?
Me: (who hasn’t eaten a packet of crisps at work for 2 years because im scared it will be too noisy and people will look at me) I dunno, probably like a 5?
The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.
Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows
3% human
97% stress
Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up
i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat
Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….
8-year-old: I upgraded my blanket fort.
Me: It looks the same as before.
8: I added more snacks.
Finally, some meaningful renovations.
I really want a family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms