Comedy booker: how much time can you do?
Me: I have an hour
Comedy booker: there might be children there
Me: I have 7 seconds
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Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?
Strangers have the best candy.
Anyone really
(child accidentally being born in butcher shop)
Shirtless mother: what should we name him?
Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra…ham
According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up
Wife: Could you be dehydrated?
Me: Of course not.
W: How much water have you had?
Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.
W: Wow.
Me: Told you.
*eats only grass-fed donuts
Jury duty
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies.
St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians
sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now
Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller
For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!
Australia: no need to, we’re good
everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know
I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.
I haven’t been drinking.
I know what day it is.
I didn’t lose my pants.
This might be my car.
I know how to drive.-Lies I’ve told to cops.
Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.
Her: So, are you seeing anyone?
Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?
Remember the 90’s when a fax machine would keep calling your number that sounded like a pissed off pterodactyl …. Good Times ….
I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*
“No man is an island.”
– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology
Me: You’re not allowed on the couch.
Dog: Oh yah? Well you’re not allowed to scratch my head!
Me:
Dog:
Me: Didn’t think that through, did you?
Dog: Not really, no.
wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes
I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.