GUY: my new boss is gay
ME: my new bed sheets are warm
GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?
ME: exactly
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I like to send homemade gifts to people.
Which one of my kids do you want?
Taco Bell implies the existence of all kinds of Taco Percussion
My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.
Um, hi. How much is the rent for this amazing apartment?
Ma’am, this is the wine aisle of the grocery store.
Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
Really wish my phone wouldn’t autocorrect my old timey piano slang. Had to explain to my mom that I didn’t spend all morning “tickling the ovaries”.
Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen
The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives
My kid’s closest friend was telling me that she (16) and some of her school friends were having the discussion: ‘Who is the one man you’d feel comfortable being alone in a room with in any situation.’ Her answer was Shrek.
When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible
Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
*first day as a coach*
Me: ok gang so we should go with a zonal defence here, remember to watch the runners and stick to the plan, goooo team!
Player: *whispering* guys I don’t think coach has played golf before
“Huh?” – Wonder Woman
I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away
Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? I see dead people. Get it? Icy dead people?
Happy Dad Joke weekend
As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.
doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*
If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.
I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:
At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them
My 3yo made up a song called My Mommy Makes Me Happy When She Gives Me Snacks then asked me for a snack. She’s really good at this.
7 came home to a “7” balloon on his birthday & asked “Why is there an upside-down L balloon here?” & I’m really excited because now I can spend his college fund on that tummy tuck with a clear conscience.
Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*
One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?
Show your work.
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
I have this theory that if I use cash money to pay for food I’m not actually spending my money because it doesn’t decrease the number in my bank account.. I realize that this is inaccurate, but I will continue to think this way so that I feel better about my poor life decisions