What are some fun shapes kids would like to eat?
Perdue Chicken: Dinosaurs?
McCain Potatoes: Smiley faces?
Mondelez Candies: Other Kids!
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ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier
the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person
Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings
I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.
Heads up, cartwheels are my favorite thing to do hands down
🤣
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”
Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.
If I was speaking a foreign language on Game of Thrones, I’d throw a couple of “yabba dabba do’s” in there to see if anyone notices.
Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all
Him: plays dead
He’s so proud of his work! 🤣
do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge
Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.
[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]
Kids: Dad, what IS this place?
Me: I have absolutely no idea
I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like
If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.
What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
What do you call a cow that eats your grass?
A lawn moo-er.
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve
ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?
ME: Not murdering.
ATTORNEY: But where were you?
ME: {sweating} The not murder store.
*enters bubble blowing contest
*blows BIG bubble
*guy blows BIGGER bubble
*pulls knife
*pops bubble(ALWAYS bring a knife to a gum fight.)
I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. “You’ll die too,” I say.
“9 lives,” my cat whispers, lighting a match.
Guy on Tinder: I speak 12 languages
Me:
Guy on Tinder: I made my niece a yacht out of chewing gum, balsa wood, and macaroni
Me: *plays the kazoo perfectly with my left nostril
[talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill]
“No”
What?
“You can’t sit in the Kangaroos pouch”
*places $50 back in my pocket*