Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
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I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”
animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what
WIFE: Let’s role-play
ME: OK
W: U be a teacher
*I get up & leave*
W: Where u going?
M: Do u have ANY idea how much paperwork I’ve got to do?
Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.
Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster
me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do
Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit
Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?
excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs
Never get drunk with someone who has rented a chainsaw or a wood chipper.
My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.
DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.
Sometimes nothing goes well. Other times you draw a mustache on a photo as a revenge, and the person on the photo sees it and to your surprise actually grows a mustache because he liked it
You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.
As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle
In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.
if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
I am SO DONE WITH MEN. Most of them, anyway. At least one of them. I am SO DONE WITH AT LEAST ONE OF THE MEN.
Wait just one second … Brits don’t have outlets in their bathrooms? It’s illegal?? How do you charge your phone? Dry your hair? Prep your electric razor? Watch tv? Toast your PopTarts?
*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
9yo: Dad, how come you’re so good at Mario Kart but so bad at driving your car?
Me: Go to your room.
BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.
The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’
i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar
*night falls, the full moon rises*
ME: go, please! i don’t want you to see me…like…this
HIM: omg what’s happening
ME: *asleep by 10 pm*