her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am
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Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
[phone call]
KIDNAPPER: We’re gonna kill your wife if you don’t pay
ME: *making wind noises* I CAN’T HEAR YOU I’M GOING THROUGH A TUNNEL
“Is the library open today?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t close for Columbus Day?”
“We do not.”
“I think it would be appropriate to do something to honor Christopher Columbus.”
“You could announce that you’re going to come to the library but then accidentally go somewhere else instead.”
Day two of homeschooling.
I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
UK rappers be like “I’ve got a posh flat and my bird is very comely, I own more motors than the marchioness of cholmondeley”
Please please please please please please please…
-me, flushing someone else’s toilet
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.
Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.
hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
flight attendant: would you like two peanuts
me: please
fa: thimble of soda
me: ok
fa: move your seat back 1/8″
me: oh gosh no, I don’t deserve to travel in this much luxury
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: let’s back up for a second
ME: what’s wrong
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: did you just call it dude diligence
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
My 3 year old told me I wasn’t allowed to go to the toilet and screamed if I tried to
If I’m honest, “bladder vs 3 year old” will be one of the biggest challenges of my life but one I think I’m ready for
Marriage is like a Rubik’s cube. One person is trying to solve the puzzle and the other one is switching the stickers around to win the game.
When customers come in 6 hours before closing
“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
LADIES imagine this,
its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little
casting director: whenever you’re ready
me: the name’s bond… james bond
casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns
me: no
Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
Priest: You May now kiss the bride.
Goth couple: *scowls*
Priest: *Sigh* You may Now bestow one final graven kiss upon this queen of winter throned.
I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
This rocks
putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?