Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War
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To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.
You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”
Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!
Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*
If you are going to microwave your steak in a cast iron skillet, make sure you season the skillet by running it through the dishwasher at least 3 times
Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?
A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.
Did I just say that out loud?
Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
That’s bullshit.
“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev
“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.
The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.
Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents
Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?
I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.
Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.
He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good oneMouth: Haven gice done
In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.
Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No
theres been a horrible success at the accident factory
ME: I want the car’s brake lines to rust
SCIENTIST: I’m listening
ME: [slides over envelope full of cash] But make it look like an oxidant
I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!
*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.
If you don’t know what to say, people absolutely love talking about potatoes
Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
[campfire]
Me: (flashlight to face) “af” didn’t exist.
Millennials: (gasp)
Me: We had to use “adverbs.”
(one faints)
I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.
you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise
One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
me trying to get a bartender’s attention
AGENT SCULLY: someone got diarrhea so bad they had to land the plane
AGENT MULDER: [tosses file on her desk] ever hear of the diarrhea alien?