I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”
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Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.
[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
[First Date]
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heartMy date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?
Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP
H: where did you move after your divorce?
Me: On.
I moved on.
Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?
There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.
*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*
me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-
Other people on life raft: please stop
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.
I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.
Unfortunately, I cannot marry my high school sweetheart bc the state does not recognize a union between a woman and a Legolas poster.
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there’s such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.
Fireman: [bursts in] EVERYONE OUT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: No its a hose lol
[later]
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.
this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen
Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.
-why spelling matters
My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum
[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
I’m still drunk with power after a Jehovah’s Witness asked, “‘Can I ask you one question?” & I said, “I think you just did,” + kept walking.
I met a pet turtle at the park and I asked the guy if he brings it there to play on the swings and slides, and he responds: “No ma’am, turtles don’t use swings and slides”, and I can’t believe he called me ma’am
I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.
“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.
Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?