The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.
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[Joining a gang]
me: so who do I stab for initiation?
members: again, this is a book club
Therapist: I think you both suffer from Münchausen syndrome
Hansel and Gretel: [mouths full of gingerbread and gumdrops] why?
Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!
Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.
I’m writing Spider Ma’am, about a middle aged woman who gets bitten by a radioactive spider but keeps it to herself because she doesn’t freaking need this.
I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.
ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*
Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth
Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.
it is 1424. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 1724. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 2024. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:
-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Being Charismatic
-Waking up Early
-Having money
When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again
GUY WHO INVENTED CELEBRATING BIRTHDAYS: *is born* Ok wow like what an accomplishment
MOTHER: For me?
GUY: N- HELL no. For me. Please shut up
*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!Ok now say “coffee”!
me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, you need to explain how to get her printer to work
Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.
“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”
Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough
that’s my husband on the left and me on the right
Mathematics was simple until they added English to it
Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.