My house fluctuates between smelling like a freshly baked cake or a tropical island vacation because aromatherapy provides what I cannot.
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Me: That’s a very interesting sculpture
Her: It’s Mayan
Me: Yes, I know it’s yours. You don’t have to be a jerk about it
Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!It’s like she didn’t want a tip.
What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
I feel seen
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché
my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.
tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup
I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
House Hunters:
“Well I gotta be near the beach. A heliport would be a plus. I need 9 bedrooms, an IMAX theater & a moat. My budget is $314.”
Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.
I stole one of those Krispy Kreme “HOT NOW” signs and hung it over our bed because good communication is important in a marriage.
Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one
My grandma got this digital frame that all the family can remotely upload pics. I’m thinking of flooding it with John Wick pictures.
Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩
The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.
Women aren’t hard to read
For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out
You’re done bro
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
You’ve just ordered Pizza Hut and a 2L Mountain Dew. You’ve loaded up Diablo on your PC. No school tomorrow. Your parents don’t care if you stay up all night long. A perfect Summer night. You are 39 years old. The year is 2023.
My daughter and I were in a drive thru and the lady said, “She headed to a photo shoot?” And I said, “She’s actually on her way to court.”
She looked surprised so I said, “She’s not in trouble, she’s a lawyer.” And she said, “Well if she was in trouble she wouldn’t be for long.”
WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!
How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle
Prop Manager *checks gun*
“There are real bullets in here.”Rookie prop assistant: “Yeah we are out of fake blood.”
finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid
My toxic trait is telling people I’m down for anything when in reality I mean not after 8 pm, food should be involved, and it also depends on the weather, the parking situation, and how tired I am
Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit
11:34: Arrived at crime scene
11:34: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11:34: Found murder weapon in drain
11:34: Realized watch was broken
Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.