Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.
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[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”
I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.
18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
It’s okay, everyone. I know my 3yo’s screams sound like his leg was run over by a lawn mower, but he’s just got some fuzz stuck to his thumb
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers
The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?
ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.
Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.
Introverts: Praise Jesus!
If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.
ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.
Big brouhaha at the farmer’s market today when the fishstand guy set up next to the candle lady and no one could smell her candles and her boyfriend the homemade soap guy tried to intervene but ended up buying a fresh cut salmon.
you need to be 737 maxxing. you need to have a few screws loose. you need to be dramatically throwing open doors to feel the fresh air outside. you need to be keeping yourself grounded. you need to be lighting yourself on fire occasionally just to feel something.
“I have a PhD, I’m a professor, and yet I could be making more just teaching elementary school! It’s not fair!”
my brother in christ have you ever been the only adult in a room of 28 first-graders
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
College guy: [massaging head] Oh man I got so trashed last night.
Raccoon: [massaging stomach with his little raccoon paws] Me too man.
[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!
My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.
It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.
I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy
Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.
I almost accused a 10 yr old of stealing my dance moves but it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom & didn’t know where it was
“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.