Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”
You Might Also Like
Voted most likely to power walk into a volcano
Lingerie.
…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!
I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.
If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.
A 6-year-old told me he likes my costume. I’m not wearing a costume 🙁
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
This is my emotional support yacht 🎀
I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.
I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.
“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
The amount of people I know who have disliked me because someone told them to is staggering. Like dude, give me a chance… I’ll give you a reason. I promise.
Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly
Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.
GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations
MOSES: no way
GOD: yahweh
MOSES: ok so what is it
If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party
Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party
Me: There aren’t enough hours in the day
Also me: Spends 15 minutes scrolling a comment section and taking a quiz to find out what kind of cheese I am
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman
you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza
My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.