That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork
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“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.
Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
*quietly opens cheese wrapper*
*dogs come running from upstairs*
Me: How the hell did you hear that?
[10 minutes later]
*gf quietly opens bag of chips*
Me: (from upstairs) ARE THOSE MY CHIPS?
*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!
Canadians have a pretty great reputation, in the world and on Twitter – polite, peaceful, community-driven, they don’t wear shoes indoors…
Canada is the reason we put pineapple on pizza.
Discuss.
You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking
*Toddler walks up, kisses my knee, turns away*
“Aw! Aren’t you sweet?”
*Toddler kisses refrigerator, cabinet door and dishwasher*
“Oh.”
Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!
me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no
as a kid: i have to save up for this toy
as an adult: i have to save up for this rent
beauty:
beast:
beauty: *sips tea*
beast: *sips tea*
beauty:
beast:
beauty: was this inside mrs. potts—
beast: you know I’ve been too scared to ask
“OMG, this is better than sex!”
-Me, snacking during sex
My husband made me a drink & told me to sit down while he makes dinner & all I can say is, whatever he did wrong, I’m totally fine with it.
“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue
explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone
me forcing everyone to watch a movie i really like
The most unbelievable song lyric of all-time is a woman saying “it’s raining men” and another woman following-up with “hallelujah!”
The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
ME: *eating fast food*
VEGAN GUY: You eat that stuff?
ME: Yeah
VG: That stuff is gonna kill you
ME: *visibly annoyed* not soon enough
I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong