Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.
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*at lawyer’s office*
Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she’s seeing a surgeon
*idiot wife pops out from under desk* that’s so not true!
if the mechanic starts explaining the problem by saying “I don’t know who worked on this car before me…” you may as well just hand over your wallet and check back in a month
Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda
have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…
“Always give your food a rinse before you eat it,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made terrible sandwiches.
I don’t always look like an uncombed, shaggy mess but when I do, please don’t report it as a Bigfoot sighting.
Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.
You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.
“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.
Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.
by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die
Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.
Me: You recognize this man?
*slides photo*
Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.
Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.
violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”
I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.I bought it in 2007.
Me: You say all the right things.
Her: I didn’t say anything.
Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.
A bunch of things I labeled yesterday as tomorrow problems had the nerve to show up today and I’m just like excuse me who said you could be here.
“Woah woah hey woah”
[me attempting to breakup a fight]
yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing
Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old
Summertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with water.
Wintertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with piping hot tomato soup.
ME: *playing my kazoo softly in the library*
HER: excuse me, do you mind?
ME: why yes i do but i usually just call it thinking
Friend: how do u maintain your boyish glow
Me: [trying to keep down a mouthful of lightning bugs] I wish I could tell u
This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.
Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.
I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.