My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it
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life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
Her: So, are you seeing anyone?
Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does
Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach
My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?
Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.
Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?
Diamond: rookie
[she comes home with a doggy bag]
Her: Here, boy, I have a treat for you *sounds of the dog & I fighting to the death*
I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.
My 4-year-old usually wears his hair in a ponytail, but he wants it cut this weekend. This change will make me a little sad, but I also hope it hides his 1980s movie villain personality.
I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
[Interview for the cucumber marketing board]
Me: Can we talk about salary?
Boss: Not if you want to keep your job
All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons
KID 911: wats ur emergency
SON: cant find my shoes
KID 911: have you looked literally nowhere?
SON: yes!
KID 911: then it is lost forever
Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.
When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.
Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.
Me *trying to buy yet another gardening device*
Home Depot employee: I’m sorry, you exceeded your rake limit
fridge ice dispenser: *10 minutes of grumbling sounds* fine you can have ONE!
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”
*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color
Superman could shit sauerkraut and they’d still love him. But when I do it, everyone’s like “gross katie”, and “now you’ve ruined the hot tub for all of us”.
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”