repaired
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i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction
Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?
As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.
Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
[NASA job interview]
Interviewer: So it says on your résumé, Mars 2006-2013. Wow!
Me: Yes, then I had five years at Cadbury’s and I’m currently at Nestlé.
Interviewer: Get out.
Tire shop owner: Do you know how we could attract more customers?
Employee: [shrugs ] A Big Blowout sale?
Owner: …you’re fired.
Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.
[on a date]
HER: any accomplishments?
ME: yeah, i’m an award winning [eyes darting around] award winning [sees a dog] dog… liker
HER: awww
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, and open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.
The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien
my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.
The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
Wife: I’m heading to work.
6-year-old: Goodbye. I hope nothing bad happens.
That’s not ominous at all.
WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.
Me: I might give this money to that homeless guy
Wife: Do you want it wasted on fast food and alcohol?
Me: No
Wife: Then give it to the homeless guy
The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?
I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture
[3 years from now]
I can’t believe it’s still 2020.
High school teachers: You are to write about the use of the color yellow in The Great Gatsby. If it’s less than 10 pages I will CALL THE COPS.
College profs: Write about an entire religion. I don’t even care which one but if you make me read more than 3 pages I will end my shit.
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.
Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.
Anyone want to trade jobs?
Yeah, it was hard talking the little lady into it; but I showed her the top child psychologists agree that competition is healthy amongst siblings. So that’s Gargamel, our 7 year old, and our 3 year old baby girl here is named Papa Smurf.
Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.
PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.
[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people