My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.
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Only when you have finished cleaning the entire kitchen, will a teenager appear from the basement with a weeks worth of dishes.
I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”
[murder scene]
MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
Quick observation about the passage of time.
I’m 44. Born in 1980.
1985 to 1995 didn’t feel that different.
1995 to 2005 didn’t feel that different.
2005 to 2015 didn’t feel that different.
2015 to 2024 feels like a different universe.
fired
I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.
You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.
A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?
ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?
Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!
The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.
Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.
SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me
Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
PROFESSOR: We share 99% of our DNA with chimps.
ME: Okay so, like, do we take turns?
PROFESSOR: What?
ME: What if I need it and he’s still using it?
PROFESSOR: That’s not-
ME: I don’t want to fight him if he won’t give it back.
Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing
I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.
Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.
Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.
Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.
Sometimes my sarcasm doesn’t deliver well and people miss the message. Anyway that’s why I’m stabbing you.
horrifying if literal: the electric slide
Ultracrepidarianism is the habit of giving opinions & advice on matters outside one’s knowledge or competence.
Or, as I call it, tweeting.
Authors subtitle books “A Novel”. Why don’t we subtitle other things? Fast and Furious: A Movie. Broccoli cheddar casserole: A Recipe.
I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.
[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs