Give one 6 year old $100 for its birthday and suddenly you’re invited to every party in town…I know what I’m doing.
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“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
if a bee sting u, u get a lil pain but the bee dies so who really wins? “lol im OWNING all these bees” i say as i put my face in the beehive
son: “NO! Make me a sandwich like mommy makes it!”
I begin remaking the same sandwich, this time while drinking a bottle of wine and calling my sister-in-law to complain about my weight gain.
An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.
#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.They are so full of themselves.
who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up
Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos
One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.
[Interview]
“Describe yourself in one word.”
Me: Lethargic.
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.
I need to wipe.
Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes
Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
[Thanksgiving 2020]
Me *crying*: I’m fine, just chopping onions
Him: that’s a carrot
Hey.. with the intention of eating half your pizza.
❒Single
❒Taken
✔ This claim is disputed!
[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho
Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
Stealthily I approach the deer, removing an arrow from my quiver
Deer: I can see you AND you’re literally saying that out loud
Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.
Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.
Sorry I look depressed. It’s just that when I heard the sound of your high heels on the hardwood floor, I thought a pony was in the house.
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
i do not get doomsday preppers i’m immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i’m quitting
tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away
Bully: gimme ur sandwich
Me [pulls knife]
Bully: hey man I don’t want any-
Me: -crusts. i know