Husband, opening our kitchen drawer while asking, “Do we know where the scissors have disappeared?” Looks around and promptly closes the drawer.
Me, opening the same kitchen drawer without looking in, hands him the scissors.
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and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show
Me: Did you use my highlighter?
2-year-old:
Me:
2:
Me:
2: No.
Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆
Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok
Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice
Me: I’m gonna tell em
It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.
Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig
You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away
Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?
My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.
*Paranormal Factivity*
[I walk into my bathroom]
“OH MY GOD”
[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]
STORY TIME
my skin is a few shades darker than my siblings on either side, so I stood out.
one time when I was about 5, a woman looked at all of us and asked
“are you tan from the sun!?”
and i said
“no i’m nate from earth”
The chicken coup is unlocked!
“Don’t you mean the chicken coop?”
*Watches chickens carrying machine guns overthrow the farm*
No, Snowball
7-year-old: *using her tablet*
Me: You’re not doing your homework.
7: How did you know?
Me: You haven’t complained all morning.
I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?
I miss the days when people thought I was gross for liking cottage cheese. Now you guys are blending it up and eating it with raw Brussels sprouts and mustard? You need to cool it. Right now.
Why does toothpaste drop off your toothbrush so easily but then turn into a type of thermosetting polymer that’s impossible to wash away?
I think I’m finally ready to find a boyfriend!
*Looks behind drapes
*Checks under the bed
*Searches back of closetIt’s so hard to meet people these days
Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
One a scale of 1-10 how much do you care what other people think of you?
Me: (who hasn’t eaten a packet of crisps at work for 2 years because im scared it will be too noisy and people will look at me) I dunno, probably like a 5?
Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention
Wife: no it’s your birthday
25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
If you laugh at a kid’s joke that kid will tell the exact same joke at slightly louder volumes 8,000 times in a row.
Me: This guy *slides photo across table* I want you to shoot him in the leg
Hitman: This is a photo of you
Me: My wife wants me to try zumba
I hate it when after installing a new app, it automatically puts it on the home screen. Like no. You have to earn that place. Now sit back down.
I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere
My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.
Does she really think I am going to let her leave?
If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played