Those A24 movies with narrow aspect ratios should make use out of the extra space on the sides of the screen. Put up some NFL scores or something
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COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.
Heyyyyyyyyyyyo lol 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😏🥴🤦♂️🤷♂️
A lady just told me that the theatrical release of “Cats!” is what caused the pandemic, and I want to argue, but I can’t.
oh ffs josh did you not read the email
the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city:
When the aliens decide to show up from whatever other dimension they are really from, can they please return all my lost socks and bobby pins, thaanks.
My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”
lawyer: juror number 4 why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency
Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
yea yea make ur OJ jokes but remember…ur friends who committed double homicide and were acquitted due to flawed prosecution and the backdrop of mounting racial tensions can also see the jokes 🙁
I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
Kids are the best get-out-of-everything card. Need to cancel plans? Blame the kids. House messy? Blame the kids. Look like a slob? Blame the kids. Cranky for absolutely no reason whatsoever? Blame the kids.
The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
Friend: oh my god there’s two of you
My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear
Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right
When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”
If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British
therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now
me: ok rank us
I was looking into party ideas for my twins 6th birthday and came across someone who does slime & glitter parties so I reported them to the police
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
#SCOTUS one-star review
Me: gentleman of this truck stop bathroom, please boo that kid for not washing his hands
All: BOOOO!
kid: I am telling mom
a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you
What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?
Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?
Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.
A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better