My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
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WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.
I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, I didn’t have my phone” is bullshit.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, my phone was four feet away and a cat climbed into my lap” is real. It’s possible. It’s terrifying.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.
Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT
That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”
[MOM GROUP CHATS]
Sadie says practice is at 1.
Maddie told me 12:30.
What color socks should they wear?
I heard it was at 4.
Who is in charge of snack today?
I can’t get Addi there until 2:15.
Kimberleigh has a gluten allergy.[DAD GROUP CHATS]
Practice at 1.
👍
The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.
Marriage is the leading cause of Irreconcilable Differences.
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.
Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes
her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom
PSA:
Drunks will undercook grilled chicken every single time.
Friends don’t let friends get drunk and grill chicken.
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
If you have a “Welcome” mat, but call the cops when you find me eating nachos on your couch in my underwear, you’re sending mixed signals
Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?
USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely
If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you
ME: Is it because I thought cleavage was a period in history where they fought with only axes?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.
Wanted:
1 Psychic.You know who you are.
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39”
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
My doctor asked me how many drinks I have each week. Who keeps track of that? I said I was an alcoholic, not a mathematician.
If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.