I implanted a voice-modulating chip in my neighbor’s chihuahua, so now, whenever he barks, it sounds like the sax riff from Careless Whispers. So soothing.
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BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
My daughter waking me up at 6:30am to straighten her hair for her, and then her climbing back into bed and going back to sleep, is my villain origin story.
Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
[creation]
GOD: You guys are bees
BEE: Are we important?
GOD: Mankind would collapse without you
BEE: Can we fly?
GOD: No, it’s physically impossible cause you’re all too fat lol
BEE: …
GOD: Ok fine I’ll figure it out
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
At an Italian restaurant for dinner with my 5 yo. She got visibly annoyed that the parmesan cheese wasn’t coming out of the shaker fast enough, unscrewed the cap and dumped a mound on her plate. And just like that she already embodies the spirit of women getting sh*t done.
Cornhub…
For them dirty farmers.
For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks
Nobody:
Kindergartener learning consonant sounds: F-f-fish starts with F and f-f-frog starts with F too, and my mom says a word that starts with F but it sounds kind of like duck. *pause* I don’t know if I’m supposed to say THAT here.
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
A little boy at the park ran away from my twins and promptly told his mom, “they scare me cause there’s two of them!!” Same, buddy, same.
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.
Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?
WIFE: you need a haircut
ME: I do not
WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping*
ME: shhhh, she just had babies
My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.
I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.
Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
I put an ad in Craigslist for a muscular blonde with strong arms, excessive body hair and a thick British accent so I’m dating Madonna now.
Stunning surveillance footage captured the moment a high school coach in Oregon disarmed a student with a shotgun and then embraced him. Police eventually arrived and took the student into custody.
Types of Amazon reviews:
9,700 people: 5/5 stars. great toaster for the price!
283 people: 3/5 stars. decent toaster but can get stuck
5 people: 1/5 stars. awful quality, I ran it over with my truck and it broke
1 person: 0/5 stars. useless, I was trying to buy a blender
[planning bank heist]
leader: we need a fall guy
me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]
leader: he’s perfect
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
Sing it!
If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.
I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography