My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
You Might Also Like
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.
My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions
*do a little dance*
*make a little love*
*get kicked out of this funeral*
Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?
Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no
W: I despise you
“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
It’s a dad joke because the corniness is readily a parent.
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emer-
Dinosaur: I’M BEING ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE
Dinosaur 911: same color as you?
Dinosaur: YES
Dinosaur 911: is it your own tail?
Dinosaur: ok, you’re gonna laugh
Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam
age 1: goo googa
age 2: im a babada da
age 3: thank god i can finally speak. listen, i’ve been observing u for 3 years now. what are u doing
“snitches get stitches”
Me: *bleeding profusely* Hello, Cops? My brother stole Chapstick from CVS in 1997
Polite kitties have good etiquecat
Half way through the movie, I brought some popcorn downstairs for the kids & realized I rented the wrong Black Stallion DVD.
“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”
[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”
[Donald Trump’s election speech]
“America, I have only 1 thing to say”
*pulls off wig & mask revealing Ashton Kutcher*
“YOU’VE BEEN PUNK’D”
ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.
[watching Friends]
NIECE: I love this show
ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be
I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”
If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.
Princess Peach: Something’s different. You seem taller.
Luigi wearing Mario’s red overalls: No, nothing is different. It’sa me, Mario.
WHY DO WE ALLOW OTHER COUNTRIES TO TAG THEIR NAME ON TO SOMETHING AND SELL US LIES WHEN THEY DO IT WRONG? CANADIAN BACON? ENGLISH MUFFINS?
CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep
Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.