You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
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My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry
Girl: Do you have protection?
Me: Um like a sword?
Sound smarter than you are: end words with “eaux” and sentences with “if you will.” If you’re pissed, “quite frankly” adds a nice touch.
🤣😂🤣
Doctor: “You have a blockage in your small & large intestine”
Barista: …
Barista: …
Doctor: *Sigh* “Ok, Tall & Venti intestine.”
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.
Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.
Badminton implies the existence of a more sinister sport: Goodusedoff
Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
BF:
M:STOP STARING!-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets
I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone
When I was a kid I was afraid to drink kool-aid because I didn’t want a giant hole in my wall that I had to explain to my mother, like, could you imagine?
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
i am tired of the human pretending. they don’t control the weather. sometimes they open the door. and it leads into the rain. but i have literally seen them. open the exact same door. and it be sunny on the other side
[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”
I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…
NEVER. AGAIN.
Daughter: Daddy, can I have breakfast?
Me: *puts up hand* Talk to the hand.
Daughter: *into my hand like she’s ordering at a drive thru* I’d like some pancakes.
Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*