Airlines: $35 to put your bag on our plane
Airlines: $16 for bag of chips
Airlines: Sorry you want your *legs* to fit? $75
Airlines: haha, you have to fork over an extra $50 to choose the seat you already paid for
Airlines:
Airlines: Oh no someone help us we r out of monies
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I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.
My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.
When I grow up, I want to be 16
I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round
“Plane” kicks off a series of movies named by little boys pointing at things. Watch out for “Truck” in 2024 and “Doggie” in 2025.
*methodically going through sword maneuvers, but with a foot long sub*
Son, one day you will learn these moves just as my father taught me, and my father’s father taught him. It is the way of our people. The way of the peaceful warrior. The Subway.
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
HER: i could really use a shoulder to cry on right now
ME [a mortician]: *looks at clipboard* ok what type are you looking for?
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
Who knew!
These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.
Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?
God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.
Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?
God:
Angel:
God: Get Noah on the line.
2022 appliances: *break within 2 years*
1970s refrigerator: i will outlive u and everyone u love. i am eternal. i am time itself
WIFE: don’t be weird at the party tonight
ME: am i ever weird?
[dinner party]
CHERYL: how’s the soup taste?
ME: like the blood of my enemies
Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control
Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
Me: Do you ever get the feeling that people are laughing at you behind your back?
My husband: Not really
Me: You’re not very perceptive
Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.
“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
*BF walks in on me surrounded by dozens of empty Reddi Whip cans*
ARE YOU HUFFING AEROSOL?
Me- *Mouth full of whip cream* –
Yeff
Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot
Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture
Me: Please. Just a little longer.
Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.