Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.
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One day I’m gonna write a book about a recipe blogger that confesses to murder in every single recipe on their website but they never get caught because no one reads the 12 pages of text before the recipe.
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.
Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.
Human are so complicated
Treat her right or Pete Davidson will.
I feel like my heart’s been ripped out and my soul eaten by a herd of wild cats whenever anyone accuses me of being overly dramatic.
mom gave me mine for free
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
Her: What are your desires?
Me: My desires are..[imagines having a talking Pug named Maurice that I watch Netflix with]…Unconventional.
I recently bought a corset to spice up my sex life. Once I’ve learned how to breathe in the damn thing I’ll tell you how it worked out.
a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”
Remember that time you found out your crush felt the same way? It’s kinda like that, but it’s just me discovering there are still Pringles in this can.
A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn’t scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.
I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.
Almost nailed it! 😂🤣
i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me
You can let me hold your baby I won’t drop it. If you think I’m the kind of person who would drop a baby you’re flat wrong. And if you’re the sort of person who believes unsubstantiated rumors about me dropping babies, well I just feel sorry for you.
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*
My kids: what have you done?!
model UN: we follow parliamentary procedure, you can’t just call “dibs”
me:
model UN: also you can only be countries that exist
me: the nation of flavortown declares war on the UN
(Inventing bathroom stalls)
Guy: should the door touch the ground
Other guy: how would we see their shoes?
[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?
She said she loved my personality, but I was drunk and can’t remember which one I was rocking.
It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.
God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
If you want to keep people away from you, just have a conversation with yourself at the supermarket self checkout, like there’s an employee there:
Me: Did you find everything you need today?
Me: Yes, thank you.
Me: Whatchu got planned for today?
Me: Just relaxing
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I don’t even know why I exist.
BOSS: how was your weekend?
ME: oh man i got so high
BOSS: it’s against company policy-
ME: I took a ride in a hot air balloon
BOSS: oh, haha well then-
ME: then the edibles kicked in