Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.
You Might Also Like
Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
[2 cavemen]
Look what me discover! This game changer!
*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”
*takes back mixtape* FIRE!
Did you come from a “never take medicine for any reason whatsoever” family or a “you might get a headache today, take 12 advil” family
I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.
*limbos away from your hug*
Unhappy with work? Have a child.
Now you love work.
While assembling new desks at my kids’ school this afternoon another dad gave me unsolicited instructions on how to use an allen wrench. I’m not sure if I should be insulted that he thinks I’m an idiot or flattered that he thinks I can afford real furniture.
wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
[first date]
DATE: so you love dogs?
ME: yes, I relate to them very much
DATE: aww that’s swee-
[a fly buzzes my head and I try to bite it]
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
“To keep their nuts dry.”
HAHAHAHA!
(Please don’t leave me. I was dropped on my head as a baby.)
One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
Boss: I’m sorry Howard but we are going to have to let you go.
Howard: What? Why? Oh, is this because I was late? I called you and told that I got a flat tire on the way to work, I even texted you a picture.
Boss: No Howard, it’s because you stabbed Kevin in the parking lot.
“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”
“my name is Denise”
The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.
Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad
My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
I told my 8 year old son, “There’s something so special about you. Since you’re my last baby, you will always be mommy’s baby to me.”
To which he replied, “God I hope so. Aren’t you pushing 50?”
This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.
Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?
For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.
“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev
the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.
Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?
Her: Always start with eye contact
Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*
Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.
[job interview]
Interviewer: Mind if I call one of your references right now?
Me: Sure, go ahead
Interviewer: [dials number]
Me: [answering the phone ringing in my pocket while putting on a cowboy hat] HOWDY PARTNER
The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.