Me: Has anyone ever told you, you have the softest brown eyes?
Her: No. Besides, my eyes are blue.
Me: No wonder nobody’s ever told you…
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This Xmas, remember there are people less fortunate than you. People who can’t sleep diagonal, people sharing a bed, people who are married.
Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.
I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.
[13th century]
[my messenger pigeon flys in carrying a note]
me: oh hell ya she replied [i open the note and it says “read 7:49 pm”] god damnit
Overheard:
“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
awkward
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
Things I can’t tell if missus saying to me or animals.
Food is ready.
Don’t lick that.
Don’t hump that.
Stop growling.
I love you.
Put your penis away.
Get back here.
Don’t eat that.
Get out.
Come here.
What are you doing with my underwear?
Don’t bite.
My kids have eaten 47 lbs of candy. They aren’t sleeping until December 12th. Send help.
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
My current situation
Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.
“What’s the worst that could happen?” I ask my son, as we enter the bear enclosure in matching Winnie the Pooh costumes
I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.
David Duke says Jews aren’t white. Eric Trump says Democrats aren’t people. So I guess today begins my new life as a purple dragon.
Publix cake decorators should get $50/hr
“You’re getting an MFA in English? Wasn’t your Bachelor’s useless enough for you?”
-second degree burn
I’m going to run errands, need anything?
“Yes, some new light bulbs”
Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?
“And a good divorce lawyer”
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.
What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?
A blood vessel…
HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip…the more I’ll take off
ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair
Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you
No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.
Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.
Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!
BOSS: I need to see you in my office
ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright
Saw a guy smoking while pumping gas & at first glance thought ‘wow that’s not safe’ & at second glance thought ‘wow that guy’s on fire’