Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
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If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.
ME: For my last wish, I want an infinite number of cooked turkeys.
GENIE: Hmmm. *checks Genie handbook* I’ll allow it.
ME: *begins removing all the wishbones*
GENIE: DAMMIT
Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed
Me- That’s heroin
Officer-…
Me- Want some?
Officer-…
Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs
My son’s favorite meal is what he calls ‘mommy toast’ which is when I make him toast but I have to pretend it’s for me and he steals it off my plate
welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.
The Purge: Valentine’s Day
Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.
Son: Have you ever heard of Busta Rhymes?
Dad: Sure, grew up listening to him
Son: So he’s like 100 years old?
There should be a job like: divorce doula. I’ll help you find a lawyer, convince you that you’re enough, take you out for drinks, let you vent & cry during that hard 18 months, eventually convince you that a $70 sex toy can replace anyone. Start to finish divorce support.
Remember when we had to smack the TV cause it wasn’t coming in clearly…I feel that way about too many people
her: your costume is highly inappropriate
me: oh relax, it’s not like it’s a “sexy” hot dog suit haha
her: well, regardless it’s time for you to give the eulogy
My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.
Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
[sitting on my couch eating matzah slathered in Nutella, watching Masterchef] wow I can’t believe he didn’t bake his cheesecake in a water bath
[apiary]
ME: Are you the beekeeper?
BEEKEEPER: Yup
ME: Can I get some?
BEEKEEPER: Nope
ME: Is it because you k—
BEEKEEPER: I keep them
We have a big clock on the wall of our living room and now my toddler, who can’t say her L’s very well, loves pointing out other “big clocks” everywhere we go
“My first wife didn’t have a gag reflex”
Wow that’s amazing
“Yeah she never laughed at any of my jokes”
I was at an outdoor cafe in Chicago when two tiny beetles started having sex on my table, in broad daylight, like it was no big deal. That town is going to hell.
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
Happy birthday to all the women
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback
I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.
I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.
Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.