I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this
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There was a moth on my computer screen so I googled “what eats moths?” and found a picture of a bat. I moved the picture around the screen to try and simulate flying. The moth was undisturbed but my experiments continue.
You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.
HER: I don’t know what you’d do without me.
ME:
HER: Please stop imagining all those things.
ME: Ok.
an airline just for babies.
[after losing a rap battle]
me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.
Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.
teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees
class: OOOOH
[opens hawk cage]
class: AAAHHH
[calls principal]
RELEASE THE BEES
the composer
Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow
me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all
therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood
me: one sec
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
STORY TIME
my skin is a few shades darker than my siblings on either side, so I stood out.
one time when I was about 5, a woman looked at all of us and asked
“are you tan from the sun!?”
and i said
“no i’m nate from earth”
I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.
Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic
“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’
No sadder relationship dynamic than my baby (absolutely obsessed with my 3yo) and my 3yo (continually tells us to throw her in the garbage)
Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.
When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.
Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.
“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”
Tbh I don’t even wanna know what they did
How my 7 year old plays board games:
Rolls a 6.
Counts to 6.
Moves his piece wherever he wants.
Spreads legs… Nope
Spreads two other legs …. Nope
Spreads two others …. Dammit, no
Spreads last two…. BINGO!!
– spider sex
My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.
When I saw “likes music” on her dating profile, I almost fell out of my chair. Because I also like music. Holy shit she likes good food too!
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
“Have you forgotten your password?”
Fish: 😔