[commercial for gymnastics]
Want to delay menarche and stunt your lumbar growth, but also risk getting crotch punched by a four-inch beam?
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me: i can’t remember my password
my brain: how about an embarrassing memory
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
DOCTOR: To cure your blue skin condition, you must immerse your entire head in this vat of chemicals
GUY ABOUT TO BECOME SKELETOR: Sounds crazy but okay
My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
ME: I’m a smart person who learns from my mistakes.
ALSO ME LITERALLY EVERY MORNING: *Brushes too far back on my tongue and almost throws up a little*
parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”
You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen
There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
there’s a trend I’m seeing on TikTok rn of women in their 20s and 30s starting ballet “for their mental health” and as a former ballerina…….. i am experiencing some real dramatic irony here
Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.
Superman: How’d you know?
Lex: Know what?
S: My secret identity!
L: Whaddya mean?
S: You called me a KENT!!
L: That’s NOT what I called you.
That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.
Son: Smell me. Do you think I should shower?
Me: Yes.
Son: But you didn’t smell me.
Me: Yes.
Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.
Here I am, block me like a hurricane.
These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.
Mom 1: That’s my little boy on first base
Mom 2: Mine’s pitching.
Me: That’s my son spinning around in the outfield singing “Let it Go”.
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
Finally a use for spoilers…
Me: HOLY SHIT! We’ve been robbed!
Her: Oh No! Are you calling the police?
Me: (Sigh) No, I’m calling the burglars to congratulate them..
If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead
my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.
If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.
Please keep my baby in your thoughts. I wouldn’t let her pull the carbon monoxide detector off the wall and no greater tragedy has ever befallen a child in time past.
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.