Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.
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i wonder what my cat is thinking about when she sits curled up at my feet staring at me for hours and sharpening her hattori hanzo sword
TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.
#lifehacks
Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.
You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.
me: i’ll have a steak
waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant
me: oh
waiter:
me: ok i’ll have a vegan
Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.
John: Yesterday…
Paul: All my troubles seemed so far away
George: But now it looks…
Ringo: Waterslides hurt if they aren’t wet enough
My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish
So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?
My dad was bragging about his hearing aid. State of the art, he said. Cost me a fortune. Awesome, I said, what type is it? Two thirty, he replied.
My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
me: God?
God: yes my child
me: I need help-
God: ask and thou shall receive
me: -moving into my new apt
God:
me:
God:
me: hello?
Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!
“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror
What I said: it’s bedtime
What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime
News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”
Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster
ME: Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back?
GF: Yep
M: [2 hours later] How did he reach the bit between his shoulders?
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
*snowstorm rolls through*
*work closes*
Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”
*daycare closes*
Me: “I wish I was dead.”
It doesn’t have to be a plane crash. If we’re stuck in traffic I’ll seriously consider eating the Uber driver.
Who named it an army ant and not a combatant?
I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time
In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I’m fine now.