A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.
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There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
Sorry I ate all your cake after you passed out and then drew your angry eyebrows on so you’d be ready to discuss it when you woke up.
“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.
A friend sent me this.
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
how much my patient talks about their healthy choices
▶ 🔘──────── 00:05how much my patient talks about their single daughter
▶ 🔘──────── 74:36:15
It was pouring rain. As I walked into the store, my feet slipped & I slid toward a random man walking out. He had a huge bag of pet food on his shoulder. The panicked look on his face as he tried to decide whether to drop the bag & grab me or NOT was a like a whole Russian novel.
If you hit a person with a Tesla
will you be charged for battery?#OneLinersDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
him: your so cute! why are you alone!?
me: you’re
him: …
me: hello? hello?
Well of course the supermassive black hole that will eventually annihilate our galaxy is a Sagittarius.
There was a spider in the shower this morning, and now my neighbours know I scream like a cat about to crest a roller coaster’s first drop.
Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.
I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here
My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.
Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.
It’s truly insane how I’ll still stay stuff to my five year old like “hang on mate, you’ve been saying you’re hungry all afternoon, and now you won’t eat your dinner” as if he’s going to turn around and go “that’s such a good point yeah. You’ve bested me with logic this time”
This took me a few seconds.. 😅
I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?
If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee
Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.
Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?
Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.
Hub: because they were stuck together?
Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!
Wife: you wanna play monopoly?
Me: sure if there’s one thing we need to do more of as a couple it’s recreational arguing
if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.
Me: I like how you dyed all the meat green for St. Patrick’s Day.
Chipotle manager: It’s St. Patrick’s Day?
*walks into interview*
Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.
*walks out of interview*
One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.