ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert
HER: nice i love coldplay
ME: ok we have two problems
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Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.
*walks down street*
*panties drop left and right*
*thinks, “shouldn’t have bought so many panties”*
*picks up panties*
*continues home*
Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!
My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.
Wife: I think my husband is spying on me.
Friend: You’re probably overreacting.
Me: *dressed as a bartender* Can I get you ladies a drink?
[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
i’ve decided to start saying “moopy” instead of “movie” just subtly enough that people will silently question it but will never ask. i deserve this.
Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.
*travels to Tibet*
*scales Mount Makalu*
*finds sacred Guru on the summit*Guru: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.
“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”
-butter
Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?
I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”
Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.
its cool in movies when a guy blows into town and after a 30 second conversation an old guy is like, you can work in my bar and sleep in the spare room above the garage and eat meals with my family and have sex with my daughter
bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong
Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.
My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes
Such a double standard between men & women, like when men have sex with lots of women they’re “players,” but when I do it I’m a “lesbian.”
if i was a killer who escaped around halloween, i would consider hiding around a haunted carnival that was largely populated by unassuming teenagers.
Misread the movie guide and thought the movie about to start was Allen vs Predator, and I was like, “you got this, Allen.”