I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.
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me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
don’t we all
I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.
I ironed my dress this morning while I was wearing it. So, yes Mensa, I will join your club.
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
neighbor kid, play fighting: are you ready to taste pain?
my kid, mumbling under his breath: I’m ready to taste cheese
Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister
I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet
Pac-Man: what’s for dinner?
Ms Pac-Man: 🌕🌕🌕
Pac-Man: again?
Ms Pac-Man: you’re welcome to eat a ghost if you can find one
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here
[last night]
*does dozens of squats to impress a cute guy at the gym*[this morning]
*takes half an hour to get down a flight of stairs*
Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I’m doing my best
[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.
Me to 15: aw, you’re so handsome in your school pictures! Stop growing up so fast!
15: I just heard you and dad saying you can’t wait til I move out so my room can be a home gym.
Me: ……sooo handsome though..
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*
Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.
Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill
me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking
friend: did it work?
me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken
“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015
I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.
GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this