My son graduated preschool last week, so naturally I’m saving all his artwork in the basement so I can give it to him when he’s 37.
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I’m going to need all parents to listen to me when I say “LOOK AT THE DIMENSIONS OF THE DOLLHOUSE BEFORE PURCHASING”.
Just trust me on this one.
Signed,
Proud owner of a small house that would probably fetch $1100/month on Zillow.
The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
People always miss the point of Moby Dick. It’s not just about a man trying to catch a whale. It’s about how animals are hard to catch in general.
*working in hospital with med student*
me: ok so this patient is here today with a lot of crystals
med student: oooh u mean like those healing crystals
me: no the crystals are in their urine
med student: oooh so like harming crystals
me: correct
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”
(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)
If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”
grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-
*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*
grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me
*girl uploads photo*
her fake friends: 😩😍😍😍
detective: take him away boys
video: *being dragged away* I DIDNT KILL THE RADIO STAR. I WAS FRAMED
YouTube: *flicks cigarette* the plan is going perfectly
My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.
me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?
Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back
girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t listen to his music
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”
Wife: can u pick the kids up from school?
Me blowing on the coffee in my ‘Worlds Best Dad Quarter Finalist’ mug: which school do they go to?
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
You know you have a good therapist when he takes his shoes off, curls up in the chair with snacks and says, “next session is free, this story is too good.”
2: I no want to eat pasta! It too spicy!
Me: Oh ok then
2: I no wan watch Mickey Mouse he too spicy!
Me: huh?
2: NO BATH TIME BATH TOO SPICY
[Luxury hotel planning meeting]
Fluffy pillows?
Absolutely.Soft towels?
Definitely.Quality toilet paper?
Sandpaper is fine.
911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad
Me: *getting struck by lightning*
Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?
me: I had my first crush on a girl when I was in the first grade.
my 7yo: wow that was a long time ago do you think she’s still alive?
When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.