My daughter’s principal made a surprise visit to every 5th grader’s house to hand out “class of 2020” bags, t-shirts, and beach towels.
Let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve stood in your doorway braless in pajamas chatting with your kid’s principal.
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*tries to get in your pantries*
There is no typo here.
*flashlight under chin*
Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.
*all the adults scream*
We’ve all been there
ok hear me out: Luigiana
what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented
I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed
[Dinner with GF’s parents]
Thank you for having me over, can I use the bathroom?
“MAY I use the bathroom”
*slams fists down*
I ASKED FIRST
You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.
A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.
I made my 9 year old french toast with syrup this morning per his request but promptly found out that he thought the fork and knife I provided were just a fun suggestion so anyway how do you get maple syrup off pants?
Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.
Me: Piece of cake, babe.
[one week later]
Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: Okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no
We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.
“Hope you don’t mind, I just like to smoke a little after sex” I say tossing the entire body of a salmon over a charcoal pit
me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”
I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
Theresa nothing worse about a breakup than your ex’s name autocompleting whenever you type a word that starts with Theresa same letters
Thursday
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.
REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho
My husband and I are celebrating our “porcelain” anniversary in a few days. Sounds like someone is getting a new toilet this year.
My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.
DEVIL: And this is the lake of lava that you’ll be spending eternity in.
ME: Actually we’re underground so it would be magma.
DEVIL: This is why you’re here you realise.
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.